When Support Doesn’t Go Both Ways: A Conversation With My Son That Hit Me Hard This Morning

Requests keep coming in—from fundraisers to speaking engagements—mostly from people who never support anything I do

This morning I had a real conversation with my oldest son. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t deep on purpose. It just unfolded because of what I saw in my email and text messages.

By 9 a.m., I already had close to thirty messages from people asking for

something:fundraisers, political support, donations, appearances, speaking requests, you name it.

The part that hit me wasn’t the number.

It was the names.

Nearly every person who reached out has never supported anything I’ve done.

No congratulations when I achieve something.

No encouragement.

No attendance at events.

No donation.

No “I see you.”Nothing.

Silence—until they need something.

If these same people had ever poured into me even once, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about any of it. They would’ve stayed in my phone as casual connections. But the pattern became too consistent to ignore.

So when my son walked in, I told him what was happening. Not out of frustration—out of clarity.

The Lesson I Gave Him

I said:

“People put energy into what they value.

They put time into what matters to them.

They invest in what they care about.

They don’t pour into what they see as optional.”

Then I explained something I wish someone had told me younger:

“When someone never supports you—verbally, financially, emotionally—it’s not an accident. They’re showing you where you rank in their life. You’re a name in the contact list, not a relationship.”

And that’s the truth many grown men avoid because it feels personal.

It’s not personal.

It’s revealed value.

People show you how they see you, and often we don’t want to accept the picture.

Why I Started Cleaning My Contact List

Over time, I noticed a pattern.

There are people I only hear from when they need something.

So I changed how I handle it.

Some people get moved from my phone to a spreadsheet.

Not out of anger.

Out of accuracy.

That’s the category they belong in:

Transactional.

Not relational.

When I reach out, it’s clear and respectful:“This is business.”

No pretending.

No forcing closeness that doesn’t exist.

No mixing personal talk with people who haven’t earned that access.

Not everyone should have full access to you, your thoughts, or your time.

Some people belong in the “networking only” folder.

Some people belong in the “I call you when I need your expertise” folder.

Some people belong in the “we once knew each other” folder.

And there are a few who belong in your life.

Part of maturity is accepting that.

Why This Hit Me So Hard Today

I realized something I didn’t want to admit:

People who never support you think nothing about asking you for support, because in their mind, you exist as a utility.

They don’t see you as a priority, a partner, or a friend.

They see you as accessible.

That’s why celebrities, influencers, and successful people become guarded.

Not because they’re arrogant.Because they finally see how little they meant to the people who suddenly need them.

When you’re valuable, everyone remembers your number.

When you need value from them, they forget who you are.

What I Told My Son Last

“People are where they choose to be in your life.

Not where you wish they were.”

And accepting that isn’t bitterness—it’s responsibility.

It keeps you from spreading yourself thin.

It keeps your real relationships healthy.

It keeps your peace intact.

It keeps your priorities clean.

Most of all, it teaches you the difference between people who know of you and people who actually know you.

And today, in that simple morning conversation, my son learned something it took me years to understand:

Support reveals truth.

Silence reveals truth.

And both deserve a clear response.