The Triangle That Burns: Why Leaders Must Reject Triangulation
- Marcus D. Taylor, MBA
- Aug 6, 2025
- 3 min read
Several years ago, I attended a men’s conference where the pastor introduced a concept that has stayed with me ever since: triangulation.
It’s a term often used in therapy or conflict management, but in this context, it was about miscommunication and misplaced conflict. The example was simple but revealing: when two individuals have a disagreement, instead of going directly to one another—a straight line—they go to a third person, forming a triangle. That third person is often a leader, a friend, a respected peer, or someone they believe will validate their side.
But here’s the danger:
The triangle becomes a trap.Instead of resolution, you now have three people caught in a crossfire, and often, none of them walk away better for it.
Why We Avoid the Straight Line
People often avoid direct conversation for a few reasons:
Lack of emotional maturity
Fear of confrontation
Inexperience in conflict resolution
High emotional tension
Misunderstanding of leadership roles
Instead of stepping up, they step aside, using the third party as a buffer or battleground.
Sometimes the third person becomes a sounding board—which is manageable. But other times, they become a surrogate combatant or unintentional instigator, caught between two egos, two perspectives, and too much confusion.
When You’re the Third Person
If you're a leader, a mentor, or even just someone people trust, this happens more than you think. But we must ask ourselves:
Are they venting, or are they trying to enlist us?
Are they seeking truth, or validation?
Are they ready to reconcile, or are they fueling drama?
Discernment is crucial.
You don’t have to be the fixer. In fact, many times, you shouldn’t be. Unless you are in a position of formal authority where conflict affects the team, the best option may be to refuse the triangle altogether.
Sometimes it’s your responsibility to re-direct the conversation back to the person it’s about, or to establish boundaries that keep the focus on the mission, not the mess.
A Real Situation: Mission Over Mess
This happened to me recently.
Two individuals on a mission-focused team I’m leading found themselves at odds. Neither wanted to speak to the other directly. Instead, they came to me, hoping I would mediate—or maybe even take a side. But I made a decision:
“Let’s stay focused on the mission. I’m not going to let your personal conflict derail our collective progress.”
That may sound cold, but it was necessary.
I made it clear to both individuals that their issue—if unresolved—could affect the team, but I refused to be pulled in unless they were willing to come together in maturity and with clarity. I wasn’t going to carry emotional baggage that neither was willing to unpack with each other.
Eventually, one of them took ownership:
“I just want to acknowledge my wrong and move forward.”
That’s leadership. He didn’t wait for reciprocation. He didn’t expect applause. He accepted that growth sometimes means you do what’s right, even if the other person isn’t ready to.
The other party, however, wasn’t interested. Whether because of pride, ego, or peace of mind, they chose silence over reconciliation.
And you know what? That’s their choice.
Leadership Lesson: Mission First, Ego Last
Triangulation, if unchecked, destroys teams, erodes trust, and pulls leaders away from the purpose.
As leaders, we must:
Refuse to become pawns in emotional games
Elevate the mission above personal offense
Set boundaries that protect our time, focus, and integrity
Encourage maturity, not dependency
It’s not our job to fix everything. Sometimes our role is to remind people who they are and redirect them back to the path they’re avoiding.
Final Thought
Not every relationship needs to be salvaged if it jeopardizes the mission. But every leader should strive to protect the integrity of the team, even when individuals fall short.
Triangulation feels like connection, but it often creates division. The straight line—though harder—is the path to clarity, healing, and ultimately, growth.
Comments