Beyond "Help Me or Do It for Me": Rethinking Support in Leadership and Life
- Marcus D. Taylor, MBA
- Jul 10
- 3 min read
“Do you want help—or do you want me to do it for you?”
That was a question I used to ask often.
It was short, direct, and to the point. And for a while, I thought it was all I needed to know.
But I’ve come to understand that human need—and human capacity—is rarely binary.
Straight Shooters and the Simplicity of Survival
Many of my early influences—military leaders, family elders, and mentors—were what some would call “straight shooters.” Their lives were forged in environments where clarity, control, and certainty were not just preferred, but essential. Their questions were clear, their answers were simpler, and their focus was execution. Most had grown up or served in homogeneous environments where expectations didn’t shift much.
You had your role, your orders, and your obligations.
And there’s something to respect about that.
But times have changed.
Our contexts are more complex.
Our challenges are more nuanced.
And most of all, our people come from everywhere.
As a result, we can no longer lead with a “do you want help or want me to do it for you” mentality. Not because it’s wrong—but because it’s incomplete.
Why That Binary Question Falls Short
People ask for assistance for different reasons:
Some are stuck but want to learn.
Some are capable but overwhelmed.
Some are burned out and need relief.
Some don’t want to be helped—they want to be rescued.
The problem is, if you only see it through two lenses—help or takeover—you might:
Overextend yourself.
Disempower someone unintentionally.
Miss an opportunity to build capability.
Or worse—create dependency where you meant to create growth.
What People Might Actually Be Asking (Without Saying It)
Let’s reframe the options:
“Can you walk with me while I try to do this myself?”→ They need presence, not direction.
“Can you show me how, then step back?”→ They want coaching, not correction.
“Can you hold me accountable while I do it my way?”→ They want ownership, not oversight.
“Can you take this one—just this once—because I’m overwhelmed?”→ They want temporary relief, not permanent escape.
“Can you decide for me because I don’t trust myself right now?”→ They may be in a crisis of confidence.
“Can you teach me to think through this differently?”→ They want transformation, not a transaction.
From Followers to Partners in Growth
As leaders, mentors, or even just friends, we must shift our mindset from solution providers to capacity builders. This requires emotional intelligence, clarity in communication, and an understanding that the way we help is just as important as the help itself.
If you're the one seeking help, here’s something critical to understand:
You are not a burden just because you have a burden. But you also must be clear on what you’re asking people for—and why you’ve invited them into your circle.
Not everyone in your life is meant to be your coach.
Some are cheerleaders.
Some are accountability partners.
Some are just there to hand you the towel between rounds.
And some aren’t equipped to help at all—and that’s okay too.
Leadership in the Age of Complexity
Asking better questions makes you a better leader:
“What kind of help do you think would serve you best right now?”
“Do you want me to listen, advise, challenge, or step in?”
“Are you looking for a fix or a framework?”
“Are you in need of clarity, confidence, or collaboration?”
These aren’t “soft” leadership skills—they’re smart ones.
They protect your energy.
They build trust.
And they make your leadership sustainable, not sacrificial.
Reflection Questions for Readers
When people ask you for help, do you assume they want you to take over? Why?
Do you know what type of support you typically seek—and why?
Are there people in your circle you’ve asked for the wrong kind of help from?
How can you clarify your needs without fear of looking weak or incapable?
As a leader, do you create space for others to ask for help in different ways?
Final Thought: You’re Not a Burden—But You Must Be Clear
Everyone needs help sometimes. But not all help is created equal.
The more we understand what kind of help we truly need—and what kind of help we’re truly equipped to give—the stronger our relationships, teams, and communities become.
So the next time you think about asking for help (or being asked), go deeper.
Maybe it’s not just “help me” or “do it for me.”
Maybe it’s:
“See me. Guide me. Walk with me. Teach me. But don’t carry what I was meant to grow through.”
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